Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In other news, I just burned my penis
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
