In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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