Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
