I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
