And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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