Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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