32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
