you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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