All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
