Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
