Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you didnt know i had herpes?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
