We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
