Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
