Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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