Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
