JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
