How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
