I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
