Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He passed out mid-signature
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
