Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
