he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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