wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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