there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
