If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
