I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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