a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
