the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
