I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I touched a dick in church today
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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