I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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