how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
