we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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