how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
