I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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