she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
