Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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