Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
