Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
