They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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