just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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