girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
