i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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