What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
