There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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