peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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