I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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