His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
