Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
