last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
