where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
