I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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