Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
