it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
