Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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