Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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